The clip, which features a number of girls and women of all ages and ethnicities made up to the nines, sees them singing along to such poignant lyrics as, ‘When you’re all alone by yourself, do you like you?’ as they peel back the layers to reveal the real them
Colbie Caillat stands up against social pressure for women to look and behave a certain stereotyped way, no matter who they are on the inside, - in order to fit in.
The video brings awareness of the daily bullying most women encounter - ‘keep it slim’, ‘get your nails done’, ‘don’t be shy’, ‘buy it all’, and, of course, ‘put your make-up on’. All out of fear of being rejected.
[Studies show social rejection brings physical pain, which is an evolutionary tool to get humans to be more sociable as that hikes up survival chances. Although these days rejection is not as critical to survival as hundreds of thousands of years before, it hurts pretty much the same.
At the same time, pressure to change one’s appearance and behavior can lead to distorted self-image and lack of self-acceptance, in turn, causing depression, suicide, et al. Which are obviously bad for survival either.
So, ideally, we would be looking for a healthy balance between the two, starting out with a healthy self-image and building up socially desirable features on top of that (kindness, empathy, positivity, neat appearance, clean clothes, no contagious diseases).]
When we weigh the pros and cons of a confrontation in an unfair situation, we often decide to be the ‘bigger person’ and forget all about it out of sheer vanity, as we all consider ourselves ‘nice people.’ We don’t want to seem petty and, understandably, are ashamed of showing our ‘uglier’ sides.
But the thing is, sometimes we are indeed strongly inclined to be very selfish and have our way. Yet, under the pressure of our own values, social expectations, desire to be liked, we budge and cave in. But instead of making us feel good about being that bigger person, this decision actually leads to us feeling bad - as we secretly, and often unconsciously, despise ourselves for not ‘standing up for ourselves.’
We are afraid other people may judge us for being selfish (which is only natural, given the evolutionary benefit of being liked by the rest of the tribe members contributes to the increase in one’s chances of survival and passing on their genes) and keep being a people pleaser.
Doesn’t have to be this way though.
The truth is, there’s no need to be scared of a fallout. People usually forget them way faster than you’d expect (researchers did some study about why we keep having those awful holiday family get-togethers despite everyone fighting and being pissed off all the time - that’s because we tend to romanticize the past and only remember the most dreadful negative experiences, while fading out everything else that’s arguably less bad).
Being the nicest person you can be is still not enough. You will never be able to please everybody, all the time. Susan Biali in her Psychology Today feature argues that if you do actually care about what others think, their feelings and try to not be selfish, than you definitely aren’t selfish (cause selfish people just don’t give a flying cactus about any of this). So how about you stop fretting and stand the bee up for yourself when the situation calls for it.
Packed calendars and ceaseless schedules are sure signs of a tendency to overcommit. But what makes us cram so much onto our to-do lists?
Pop psychology explains overcommitting by one’s desire to feel worthy, to escape something else in their life, or just by the fact that the person in question is a high achiever. Research, on the other hand, suggests that we all are prone to overcommitting simply because we tend to overestimate the amount of time we will have in the future. We feel as if the free time will miraculously expand, forgetting how much time small errands take up and underestimating the amount of spontaneous interruptions our perfectly planned schedule will actually include.
a few quick reminders:
- that thing you did that was kind of embarrassing and weird, everyone else forgot about that already
- you look fine today, if you can’t notice something on your face standing 6 feet from a mirror then nobody else will either
- if something is out of your control, do not let yourself or anyone else expect you to deal with it alone
- social lives can go through cycles sometimes, if you feel like your friends are all ignoring you for no reason they’re probably just busy with other things
- if you can’t stop thinking about someone or something, find something mentally occupying to do like reading a book or watching a movie. it won’t solve any serious problems but you will feel better
- nothing will always be easy, if you’re trying then that should be good enough for anyone. if it’s not then you’re talking with the wrong people
- never underestimate the importance of going to bed, if it’s dark outside and you feel bad just go to bed and deal with your problems the next day